There are so many things I want to reflect on right now. I love you so much, it makes my heart ache in the most loving way. What started this is you were the first person to kiss me first, love me first, embrace me before I embraced. I’ve always been insecure with how I feel and especially how I expressed it to someone. I was listening to our song and it reminded me of the first time you told me you love me, I actually just asked you what that song was if you remember. I don’t remember who kissed who first when we first became a ‘couple’, but I do remember a song playing when you first told me you loved me. You’re the first person… EVER… in my existence that I have ever known that told me you loved me before I’d said anything. For some reason this just surfaced with me. I remember the song playing, I had my short bob cut, laying my head in you lap. You said you hoped it wouldn’t be weird, and I said it wouldn’t… And then you told me you loved me. I’d never been more delighted in my life, but I didn’t really reflect on those feelings in the way I do now…
And I think it’s because… Well.. You know, you’re the only person in my conscious life I’ve known to tell me they loved me first. There were no ties, no games.. You just wanted to tell me, I’ve honestly.. Reflecting back, never been happier. You know, you’ve always been that person. In a way, that’s hard for me accept only because my family should have been the first person to grant that to me, but in a way it’s beautiful because it makes me aware that you really love me. You love me for what I am, my faults and my wonders, no matter how small.
I’m rambling. Honestly and truly, you’re the only person in my entire life of my consciousness who’s looked me in the eyes and said, “I love you” without me jumping through hoops and having to struggle… Ok, so it’s still hard to explain. Baby, Mr. Lopez, Tater.. I love you, I’ve loved you like I’ve loved nobody else. You make me feel like someone really loves my character and personality.
It’s hard for me to comprehend and understand… But you’ll never know how much I love you.
You will always have a piece of my heart.
I love you, with everything Bryce Lopez.
CLICK THE SQUARES.
THE WHOLE WORLD NEEDS TO KNOW ABOUT THIS.
I HAVE FOUND LOVE.
THIS.
OH MY GOD I REMEMBER THIS.
I LOVE THIS SO MUCH,
UGH.
TRY LIGHTING UP ALLLLLLLL OF THE SQUARES. xD
I’m not epileptic, but this thing sure made me feel like it when I made the whole thing a checker board xD FUCKING AWESOME!
Felt like I was part of the Postal Service for a second lololol
Just like that, we fall back into our old patterns. In the same ways, the people around us knew what we were doing before we were confidant enough to take the next step. Is it just obvious how much we care for each other? Too scared of the others reaction, we waited until the right moment, to find out once again people had assumed we’d taken to each other before we could say anything.
I can’t explain in words to you the acceptance you’ve always made me feel. Like the best friend I could ever ask for, I trust that your intentions are never to hurt me or throw me under the bus. I feel like there’s nothing you wouldn’t stand by me through and at least try to understand, even if it was something you didn’t like. I don’t think I’ve ever experienced this feeling of support from anyone else in my life. It sounds over-exaggerated but I vaguely remember, those fleeting memories where I’d let my mind be thrown in the waste basket and you would take it out, smooth out the wrinkles, and write a gentle note of ‘I love you’ without trying to crucify me. You never tried to bring me down or put a thumb over me, but always tried to help me blossom more. You never controlled me or put sick, sad thoughts in my head, making me feel guilty for every step I took. Never have you tried to hurt me on purpose and deep down… I knew you had your own problems too. I was upset when you’d leave, I was upset when you drank a lot, but I had that same respect for you that you had for me. Everything was fucked. That’s how you coped, I just did mine in larger and more dramatic ways farther apart.
These are all the things I wish I could tell you in person but I just can’t find the words for, honestly I’ll probably end up showing you this one day. The reason it’s so hard is probably because it’s so much at once when I think about it.. I’ve never had someone like you in my life before. I know I’ve told you this, but I’ve never felt more safe around anyone in my entire life. You weren’t going to run around on me, you weren’t trying to hurt me, you wanted me to be happy and be myself. You could forgive me… You’re the best friend I’ve ever had. I love you.
I’m sorry for the way I was when I pushed your buttons.. I told you the other day that was because I wasn’t used to having someone like you. No part of me could believe that your intentions were purely to work with me as a partner and have my back when I’d been stabbed in it so many times before. Like if every time your mom wanted to look at your loose tooth and said, “I just want to look at it” and then ripped it out, eventually you’d never believe she just wanted to ‘look at your tooth.’ Bitch was going to rip it out! It’s not that I ever felt like you were going to do these kind of things to me, it was that I couldn’t entirely comprehend someone just… being nice to me. Just to be nice to me, because they liked me. I was always expecting the lid to blow off something and sometimes I even, childishly, tried to make you blow your lid because I really thought there was one. It didn’t make any sense to me and in some ways just made me feel kind of insane. I wanted to believe it and I couldn’t, and for that I’m truly sorry. Another thing on the list of stuff that you probably didn’t like, but tried to understand about me and did your best. I can’t tell you how much I love you, but I can tell you all of this. I’ve put more trust in you then the better part of my friends and my family, not just people I’ve been in a relationship with.
Bryce,
Thank you for putting the effort into me. I love you.
Just like that we’re talking again. I want to reflect on my feelings in a way that I’m not obsessing over my ‘love’ for you, but the forgiveness you’ve taught me. A new chapter of my life has started again, and it looks like you’re going to be part of it if only for a fleeting moment. I hope for longer, but I wouldn’t blame you for fleeing like I did to you, I would understand like you to me that you have your reasons. I don’t want this to destroy us, but in ways I feel like we’ve both done a lot for each other in very unique ways.
I like the way you’re reminding me how to relax. I like how those forgotten feelings of understanding others and wanting to understand already feel like they’re flickering, but in a less intense and more controlled manner. You don’t try to drown my feelings or add to the fire for your own amusement but respectfully enjoy my company without manipulating it for selfish reasons. I like the way you’ve grown, I love to watch you be you. I don’t understand how someone could be so forgiving, but it’s one of the qualities of yours I admire the most.
More then anything I hope I have enough of an understanding of what’s going on with myself and have a good enough grasp on my own situation so that we can both get the most of our friendship. One of the things I fear the most is that I would hurt you or what you’ve built for yourself and I sincerely have no intentions of doing such. All I want to do is be a part of your life, in any way you want to welcome me. I’m very thankful I met someone like you.
![Cracked into my old myspace account.. interesting to see all the old pictures. It makes me miss my old hair and friends.. It makes me want to rebel a little bit. I remember these days, with my colored hair and exciting life-style, there wasn’t anything I wouldn’t try. There was a burning in my heart for living every day to the fullest and a love for fellow man. I wanted to meet everyone! I wanted to go for long walks, blare my music, get in a fight, kick back with my friends, everything. It does make me happy to think about the past now.. Excluding the parts where things were very terrible, the good really did out weigh the bad. Sometimes not by much, but I wouldn’t change a thing. There may be some things I might have done a little.. different, but all in all I’m thankful for the person I am now. I understand everything happens for a reason and everything normally gets worse before it gets better. I need art to be a part of my life again, I need to pick up some pencils and some paper and just let everything out. I should take advantage of my new independence and start delving back into old hobbies. Well, the good ones :] Drawing, singing, painting… I’m not necessarily AWESOME at any of those things, but they’re definitely fine ways to express myself. Never poems.. I don’t like putting words to things. Well, I guess unless it’s on here, because apparently I have no problem bleeding my thoughts and feelings all over this place, but the only person bothered by my worries seems to be Thomas, which is ok with me. I have not bitten my nails since January 1st! I am very proud of myself :] I have white on all of them, they look spectacular <3 My other goal right now is to avoid chopping off all my hair until 2013.. this will be difficult, and is only one step in a larger goal of growing my hair to my lower back. This is reeeeaaaaally hard for me, since I really don’t like doing my hair and much prefer it short so I take less time getting ready to go out. I think I’m done gushing, so I’m going to move on to something else entertaining :]](http://25.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_ly4eynByD21qhc29ko1_500.jpg)
Cracked into my old myspace account.. interesting to see all the old pictures. It makes me miss my old hair and friends.. It makes me want to rebel a little bit. I remember these days, with my colored hair and exciting life-style, there wasn’t anything I wouldn’t try. There was a burning in my heart for living every day to the fullest and a love for fellow man. I wanted to meet everyone! I wanted to go for long walks, blare my music, get in a fight, kick back with my friends, everything. It does make me happy to think about the past now.. Excluding the parts where things were very terrible, the good really did out weigh the bad. Sometimes not by much, but I wouldn’t change a thing. There may be some things I might have done a little.. different, but all in all I’m thankful for the person I am now. I understand everything happens for a reason and everything normally gets worse before it gets better.
I need art to be a part of my life again, I need to pick up some pencils and some paper and just let everything out. I should take advantage of my new independence and start delving back into old hobbies. Well, the good ones :] Drawing, singing, painting… I’m not necessarily AWESOME at any of those things, but they’re definitely fine ways to express myself. Never poems.. I don’t like putting words to things. Well, I guess unless it’s on here, because apparently I have no problem bleeding my thoughts and feelings all over this place, but the only person bothered by my worries seems to be Thomas, which is ok with me.
I have not bitten my nails since January 1st! I am very proud of myself :] I have white on all of them, they look spectacular <3
My other goal right now is to avoid chopping off all my hair until 2013.. this will be difficult, and is only one step in a larger goal of growing my hair to my lower back. This is reeeeaaaaally hard for me, since I really don’t like doing my hair and much prefer it short so I take less time getting ready to go out. I think I’m done gushing, so I’m going to move on to something else entertaining :]
Something’s wrong… My mind’s been wandering a lot lately. I don’t know if it’s just because I’ve been sick or something worse. It might just be the building stress.. I’m spiraling back into depression. Time with my friends has been bringing opposite feelings lately.. Instead of feeling warm, welcomed and loved I feel more distant then ever, reminded of the barriers in each of our relationships that keeps us apart and the secret problems we all share with each other behind one another’s backs… I’m reminded of The Postal Service’s song ‘This Place is a Prison’, the lyrics regarding alcohol apply, too, as most nights I drink just to take my mind of things. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not an alcoholic, but.. Well, I take that back, maybe I am. I don’t feel physically sick if I don’t drink, but I definitely self medicate for a wandering mind.
I can’t get my mind off the distance I have between everyone I know lately. I don’t know what it is, but I feel like it’s hard for me to fully appreciate my friendships and get any passion from it. I don’t feel special as a person, I don’t feel like I bring anything to the table in any circumstance, and I don’t feel like I deserve to be loved. I don’t know if I know how to love anyone anymore, not because I’m bitter, but I lack the tools to feel. I guess it’s like when people make references to ‘scars’ from lovers and friends, I just have to many, and the tissue’s all scarred over. I’ll have to meet a special person who can laser that off of me.. Hopefully a friend. I have plenty of great friends, a few that a I truly hold dear, but I’m in a rut.
Maybe I’m just crazy. It’s crossed my mind a couple times that that could be the real problem, is that inevitably I’m just going to lose my mind one day and become a lost cause. There’s only been one time in my life that I’ve heard voices and I mostly blame that on the abuse of cocaine and unstable life-style I was living.. But I know that couldn’t be the only reason.
My hair is ruby red now and at first I did it because that’s the only color I can dye my hair without my work complaining that’s close to rebellious, but I think it really fits me more then I thought. It’s a gentle yet firey color, approachable but spontaneous. I’m not as off the handle as I was when I was younger, I’m much more calm and collected, but at heart I haven’t changed, I still see the sky a different color then everyone else.
A change needs to happen, something big.
This used to be how I felt when I was between the ages of 14-15.. I reflect on these feelings and miss the passion I had in everything I did. I was fascinated with the idea of rebellion, being free and causing mayhem. No one wanted me, so I would do whatever I wanted and run wild through the streets. I had so much life, so much energy. Though my personality hasn’t changed, I feel like I’ve lost something while raising myself.
Where I told myself I would never really grow up or lose the appreciation for life, I’ve grown, and beat those over-whelming feelings out of me. Though it makes life more bearable, I’ve lost the love I have for people, helping others, the relationships I make with people, and general adventure. I much more content with staying home, reading a book, and taking care of my home. I’ve gained a relationship with my parents that was not a bond I was born with, but gained by over-coming the environment I was raised with and finding my own path. Now that I’m a legal and mostly responsible adult, they’ll finally except me as their kin, though they only embrace me with the social status of a friend. I don’t think they really see me as their kid.
It feels good to vent, a lot has happened. I feel like after moving out of the chaos I was in I’ve gained part of myself back. I don’t feel over-whelmed with rapid thoughts, I can sleep again for the most part, and I love the feeling of my independence returning to me. I’m my own person, with my own plans, and my own goals, and no one else’s thoughts nor feelings on them can persuade me to do otherwise, unless I deem it good advice. Maybe this regained freedom of opinion can help me grow back my old personality, like a lotus in the muck.
I’ll be back to share more in the future, I just thought I’d touch base with you dear old tumblr, you weird online diary of mine :]
Well, I’ve been meaning to blog about this for a while, so here it goes. I really need to have this somewhere to reflect on in case anything happens in my life and I forget how to find/lose these parts of me.
This was by far the most character defining part of my life. I haven’t been the same person since this summer and I really have the people involved to thank for that. That summer I learned how to love myself and trust others, it was the last time in the past 5 years that I felt like a loved and innocent kid.
I was a 14 year old run away. I left my dad’s house because I didn’t like how I was being treated and kind of had a ‘live in the wilderness’ like ‘into the wild’ mind-set I guess you could say, but I wasn’t sure on what exactly I was trying to accomplish except leaving. I had just been sent back to my dad’s house from my mom’s after attempting to run away once already, but had only left for 2 days. She’d decided she was done with me and sent me to my father’s. I’d already gone to school for a good 6 months in Everett before she decided she was done and hot-potatoed my sorry ass to my dad’s, so when I decided to leave again I already had friends. Danielle, the girlfriend of the guy I’d left for two days with (Mike), had been messaging me on Myspace and when I told her I was going to run away, she told me to come down to Everett and meet her and Mike at the bus station, and from there we could stay at her apartment for the weekend because her dad wasn’t home.
After packing my things (Some hippy clothes, hemp, beads, toothbrush, hair brush, socks, underwear, ect.) I noticed $50 on my dad’s bedside table. I snatched it and ran out the door and was in Everett by around 2. Once I got there I asked Mike to buy me a pack of Camel wides, and we headed to Danielle’s apartment. I can’t remember what else we did that day, but from what Danielle tells me I bought some candy and I remember her, Mike, and I all crammed in her bed. The next day I don’t remember as well, but I do remember later at night I met Andy again (after having math with him for those 6 months I went to Mariner), only instead of being quiet and nice, he looked at me, then to Danielle, and said, “Uhm, she can’t stay here.” They bickered, we stayed there one more night, and then the day before her dad came home from wherever he was, we went to go hang out with their friend Daniil. This was around June 11 or so.
(I would like to comment here that I’m not sure on all the details anymore as it was almost 5 years ago or so, and Danielle could probably fill in the cracks, but this is not the whole story/not very detailed).
Arriving at Daniil’s house I believe we spent most of the day in the front yard drawing and stick fighting. Eventually we ventured in the woods behind his house and I’m not sure who’s tent we all stayed in, but we decided we would spend a couple days in the backyard just ‘camping’.. We dug a little fire-pit.. Cut down some greenery around the area.. and started thinking “Hey, you know, we could just spend the WHOLE summer out here.”… And thus began the summer of 2007.
Various things happened that I’m going to kind of sum up in this paragraph because there’s no way I could place everything in order. A can of spaghettios was left in near the fire-pit one night and scared us half to death when it exploded because it sounded like a gun shot. Daniil’s siblings found Mike and Danielle’s condoms once and we found them opening all the wrappers and throwing them everywhere. After the first few days there Danny and Andy joined us (Danielle’s brother and Mike’s friend). Danny bitched, whined, and moaned that he didn’t like to be alone and Andy just decided to start hanging around. Around early July somewhere Andy and I started dating. We took Robotusin and I had a major freak out in front of everyone (emotional/mental break down). People got in arguments. People forgave each other. Somewhere around this time I went to Colvil with Daniil for a couple days to help his dad with their little get away house. And I think I’ll end this paragraph at the part where we moved to the next camp site.
We ended up moving to the second campsite I think somewhere around mid July. Those details are foggy. We had to move because Daniil’s dad saw our little shmorgaspor of stuff and was pissed, so we moved farther back in the woods to a spot that looked like it had already been cleared out once before. There was a lot of space, a fire-pit had already been dug, and there was a bench. At that area we had the cops called on us for Will (Mike’s brother), yelling ‘fire’. Luckily I wasn’t caught, but it’s getting near the end of our summer. I saw a white owl in the middle of the night. Mike got attacked by a raccoon.
I might continue this later, but right now there’s too much shit going on right now for me to care about finishing this… Needless to say, since then, some people have changed a lot.. and some people haven’t changed at all..
